Gen-Xer tries Takis for the first time, didn't livestream it on the TikTok, here's a weblog post instead.
So, I finally decided to give Takis a try. Been seeing them touted as the snack food of choice for the young'uns nowadays. As is typical for a middle aged person, I find modern youth culture insipidly vapid. AI memes and brainrot nonsense. It just so happens that civilization peaked in the 80's and 90's and has been downhill ever since.
Socrates once complained, "The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise."
But I'm game for trying a new snack food and was curious as to what the hype is about. I picked up a 3.25 oz bag of original Taki Fuego flavor at my local bodega for $2.69.
I considered the blue Takis, but apparently the Fuego are the "flagship" and then was concerned the blue dye would make me think I had a GI bleed.
First visual impression, they're little cylinders of fried corn tortilla rolls about 3/4 the length of a cigarette and the same circumference. Thick coating of red powder that immediately sticks to my fingertips. This is going to be messy.
First bite. Alarmingly crunchy, like they're overcooked. Cronch, cronch, cronch. If I were trying to watch a movie while sitting near someone eating these, the sound would drive me mad, triggering misophonia.
The closest comparison I can think of to the hard crunch texture and sound is dry Captain Crunch.
My second thought was that I heard these were supposed to be spicy. I suppose all the flavor comes from the red powder. It tasted strongly of artificial chemicals and then the saltiness seemed weird and fake, which subsequent research indicates is a prolific use of multiple types of MSG.
There's nothing wrong with MSG, I use pure MSG in savory dishes all the time. But something just tastes off with the usage in Takis.
The flavors are supposed to be chili and lime. The chili component reminded me of a sachet of Old El Paso mild taco seasoning that had been sitting in the pantry since the Clinton Administration. Bought from a grocery store that went out of business over 20 years ago.
The lime component tastes like green skittles with extra citric acid. I use pure citric acid powder in cooking and some cleaning and other household applications, I'm very familiar with it.
After eating a few and not being terribly impressed, I fetched a small ramekin of french onion dip to see if that would improve the situation. It did not, it felt like wasting perfectly good dip.
But I soldiered on through half the bag. Remember, this is a small single serving bag.
After a few minutes, I noticed a strange burning sensation in my stomach. It reminded me of that bizarre fad diet I tried about 25 years ago, supposedly espoused by Joan Crawford, where you take a shot glass of apple cider vinegar on an empty stomach before each meal. Anyway, I can probably chalk up that stomach chemical burn feeling to the overuse of citric acid.
At that point, fingers thoroughly caked with strangely greasy pills of red dust, I packed it in as far as the Taki taste test experience.
Takis are a chemical abomination and an offense against snack foods. Even the '98 Olestra Doritos with warnings on the bag about "anal leakage" are better tasting than Takis.
Honestly with all the hype over the years, I was expecting something much different and frankly spicier and flavorful.
Perhaps the appeal lies in the obnoxiousness, how loud and messy they are. The excruciating crunching, then staining surfaces with greasy red fingerprints.
If you've never had Takis before, don't feel dissuaded by this negative review. Give them a try if only out of morbid curiosity and make up your own mind. Consult your doctor first if you have any underlying health conditions such as high blood pressure or stomach ulcers.
Addendum, the following day
I had violent, severe lower bowel cramping and an unpleasant time in the bathroom. Trying Takis was an extremely misguided experiment and I deeply regret it.
I usually tolerate most foods very well, but Takis shouldn't be considered fit for human consumption.