Last year, my brother had an abnormal colonscopy and then subsequent surgery to remove a section. Unfortunately that got lost (!!??) on the way to pathology so we don't know if it was actually cancer.
Anyway, to be on the safe side, and then all Gen-X needs to get colonoscopies, I got my appointment.
Kirklin Clinic is about a mile away and I can walk there in 15 mins. But no, you have to have a driver. So my little brother offered to be my driver for my procedure. Mom booked him a flight from Seattle to BHM with her Southwest points. He had to rent a car on his own.
Wednesday, May 13th
I made a mess of beans this morning in anticipation of not being able to eat anything with fiber. So during my shift, I ate the heck out of some beans. Thinking about preemptively pushing stuff through.
Thursday, May 14th
Eating beans during the shift that day, Mom put in a Kroger order for "low residue" foods that arrived that evening after work. So starting at 6 pm, it was low residue foods only.
- white bread
- saltines
- white flour tortillas
- smooth peanut butter
- deli turkey
- cheese
- mayonnaise
- popsicles
- chicken broth
- tomato soup
- rice chex cereal
- Ensure
- bananas
I made turkey and cheese grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. Saltines with peanut butter and candied bananas.
Friday, May 15th
Eating the low residue foods. My little brother flew in and arrived around 11 pm. I had set him up on the sofa bed in the middle room so we could have completely separate bathrooms. For obvious reasons. My little brother had a couple of the saltine, peanut butter, and fried banana treats as an amuse bouche, then he went to sleep.
Saturday, May 16th
Black coffee is OK to have, I made coffee with a pour over. I couldn't find a working coffee grinder, I've been using a little cuisinart food processor to grind beans.
My little brother and I piddled around cleaning random stuff, then he went out to get food. I continued with the low residue diet. Around 5 pm, we started drinking beer and hanging out on the porch. He missed Birmingham, so around 10 pm he wandered out to 5 points to find a club to go dancing. I went to sleep. Apparently he came home around 2 am, I didn't hear him. There's a new gay club in the old Upside Down Plaza in Pickwick Place. My brother isn't gay, he just likes to dance and that was the best option. It sounded really cool.
Around 10 pm, I had my last solid food before the procedure, a grilled turkey and cheese sandwich on white bread with tomato soup.
Sunday, May 17th
I woke up around 9 am and went to the kitchen to make coffee. I happened to glance into the bedroom off the kitchen, "what's that lump on the bed?" My little brother somehow got lost during the night and flopped on my unwashed bed instead of the nice clean bed I set him up with. I didn't mind in the least. I tried to be quiet in the kitchen and let him sleep it off.
After making coffee, I filled up that 4L jug of colonic punishment powder with tap water. It's much taller than a 1 gallon jug of milk or Milo's sweet tea. I had to put it in the door shelf in the fridge where I usually keep wine bottles, that's the only place it fit.
My little brother finally woke up that afternoon and went to Al's for a BBQ baker. It was a tremendous amount of food and he brought most of it home, he was only able to eat about 1/3 of it. So that went into the fridge. He said it wasn't as good as he remembered, so that's a disappointment for him.
Sunday, May 17th 9 am
Nothing but clear liquids today. I had some tea and chicken broth for breakfast and lunch. My stomach was growling, so I retired to my napping bed to read for a few hours to take my mind off the urgent complaints of my needy, ravenous digestive system.
Sunday, May 17th 5 pm
I started the split dose of colonoscopy juice, it was a brutal slog through that 4L. I noted the timestamps with my RedNotebook app and then had a physical timer for 15 mins to ring when it was time for another cup.
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First Round
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Sunday, 05/17/2026 16:30
Sunday, 05/17/2026 16:45
Sunday, 05/17/2026 17:02
Sunday, 05/17/2026 17:17
Sunday, 05/17/2026 17:35
Sunday, 05/17/2026 17:49
Sunday, 05/17/2026 18:10
Sunday, 05/17/2026 18:28
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Second Round
====================
Sunday, 05/17/2026 22:17
Sunday, 05/17/2026 22:31
Sunday, 05/17/2026 22:46
Sunday, 05/17/2026 23:02
Sunday, 05/17/2026 23:15
Sunday, 05/17/2026 23:31
Sunday, 05/17/2026 23:41
Sunday, 05/17/2026 23:55
Monday, 05/18/2026 00:22
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Sunday night, May 17th Colon waterfall
My little brother went out to visit a friend and then bar hopping for a bit. Which is fine, he knew I wasn't gonna be good company during the chug.
My mother helpfully included 8 oz styrofoam cups and lemon crystal light powder in the Kroger order. What I ended up doing was pouring some of the chilled colonoscopy juice into styrofoam cups with a bit of lemon powder, then putting the cups in the freezer. I rotated out 4 cups (of course reusing the cups) 2x2 so the next set was freezing cold, making a few ice crystals and flirting with slush. Then chug. CHUG CHUG CHUG!
The last few cups, I was so tired of it and it tasted more and more awful. OK, there's three left in the freezer, I'll just do it, my butthole is sore from voiding all this liquid but that's what you gotta do. Gotta pee lemon crystal light out your butthole, let's endure rinsing out the colon so the doc can see everything during the scope and you're compliant. Eye on the prize.
My little brother had gotten me some baby Pampers sensitive wipes which were a delicate touch on the end of my digestive system during this entire ordeal and were much appreciated.
That night, I naturally woke up about every hour and chugged 12 oz water. I set an alarm at 5:15 to purposely snooze since I was supposed to be NPO at 6 am and then chugged another 12 oz water every 10 mins until the cutoff.
Monday, May 18th 6:45 am
I showered and put on clean clothes. Got my stuff together.
"Nate, are you awake???"
Kirklin clinic is only a few min drive. The valet parking for Endocscopy is free, which I found out later why they do that.
We left the house for the 8 am appt at 7:30 and got there in plenty of time. The guy valet parked the rental car and we went to check in.
Colonoscopies are assembly line there at Kirklin. No one batted an eye at my N95 mask besides to ask if I was protecting them from me or if I was protecting myself. Backhanded way to ask if I was infectious.
The nurse put me in a cubicle with curtains and asked me to undress and put the gown on. "Is your person OK to be in here while you do that?" Then we laughed and said, "no, that's my little brother!" Then the nurse said, "get out little brother!' So I got situated in privacy with the gown.
After I was decent, they let my little brother back in and told us how it would work. I'll just have some mild sedation but don't go driving nor weed whacking nor heavy machinery. Nor buy stuff online or post on Facebook.
That last bit, I was rather curious what incidents led to that warning.
On the gurney in my hospital gown, IV placed, wheeled to the procedure room. They took off my N95 mask and put on an oxygen mask. Put a pad under my behind and a pillow under my head while I was laying on my left side. I saw the propofol (milk of amnesia aka Michael Jackson juice) ready on an IV. The nurse pushed something into my IV that would "make me go to sleep." Then I woke up like it was a short nap and it was over and done with.
Wheeled back to recovery, I was given a glass of water. Got dressed and was wheeled out in a chair to the valet parking where the car was ready and deposited me into it. THAT'S WHY THEY DO THAT. Rather than have confused patients and their minders wandering around the parking garage looking for their car.
I slept a bit and then my little brother got me a Big Jack burger meal with fries and a diet coke from the Jack's just over the mountain in Homewood. I ate half the burger and fries and saved the rest for later. It was the most delicious burger I've ever had but I knew that would be the case after the long fast and wanted an actually good one (not McD's nor BK).
My little brother took such good care of me and he got to do his separate Birmingham stuff during his visit.
Yes, it does seem ridiculous that I need a driver for a clinic that's literally a mile away, that I can walk to. And Uber and the bus doesn't count. But my little brother and I had a great time visiting and he helped me fix up some things in my house.
Results
No polyps nor anomalies, colon is normal and fine. Which is quite a relief.
It's just so anti-climactic to go through all this prep over multiple days and then it's a short procedure. Go home and have a cheeseburger and fries. Though it felt like a hard reset on my digestive system.
The books I read
I read the Emily Wilde trilogy while going through all this, I've been saving it for a special occasion. It's cozy fantasy and comforting. They drink a lot of tea.